SHAP · · Updated when the editor's hands thaw
ENGLAND BEAT MEXICO 3–2; SHAP STAYS UP PAST BEDTIME
SPORTS DESK · reporting from The Greyhound
Scenes of quiet, weatherproof jubilation swept through Shap as England defeated Mexico
3–2 — though victory came at a cost. Thunderstorms in Mexico delayed
kick-off until 2am UK time, meaning the match did not finish until 4:30am,
and much of Shap was, for the first time in living memory, awake to watch the sun come up.
There was little sympathy for the weather. "Thunderstorms? Stopped play?" said Derek
Pickthall, 61, with the weary authority of a man who has watched sideways rain his
entire life. "We'd have carried on. You learn to."
The match was screened at The Greyhound until the aerial blew off in the 70th minute;
the winning goal was watched via a phone held near the window for signal. Derek allowed
himself a single nod. One St George's flag, hung on Main Street, is now believed to be
over Penrith, and celebrations ran, unusually, to gone 5am.
» Full story & more local news
WIND BLOWS, AGAIN
Residents of Shap awoke this morning to the shocking news that it was, once
again, both cold and windy, in a development that has stunned
absolutely no one.
HOTTEST JUNE EVER — DEREK REMOVES JUMPER
EXCLUSIVE · By Stormy Weathers, Shap Meteorologist
England is sweltering through its hottest June on record, and in an event
meteorologists are calling "genuinely unprecedented," the heat has reached Shap.
Temperatures have soared to levels locals describe as "frankly suspicious."
In the most dramatic development, lifelong resident Derek Pickthall, 61 —
a man who has famously never once been warm — has removed his wool
jumper for the first time in living memory. Neighbours gathered in near silence
to witness the moment. "I felt a breeze on me arms," said a visibly shaken Derek.
"I didn't care for it."
The jumper, knitted in 1987 and not removed since, has been placed under light guard
at the Spar (next to the famous fridge) pending its safe return. Forecasters stress
the heat is temporary: "Don't get used to it. The wind's back Thursday, and Derek's
already eyeing the jumper."
ICE CREAM VAN SPOTTED; LOCALS UNSURE WHAT TO DO
By our Civic Affairs Desk
An ice cream van was sighted on the high street during the heatwave — the first
confirmed sighting in Shap since 2011. Its arrival, heralded by a tinny rendition of
Greensleeves, was met with what witnesses called "mass uncertainty."
Some residents formed an orderly queue. Others drew their curtains and waited for it to
pass. Derek Pickthall, 61, approached but bought nothing: "I wasn't sure of the etiquette,
and I'd only just got me jumper back on." The van left after eleven minutes, having sold
two 99s and a rocket lolly — the latter is believed to be over Penrith.
» Full story & more local news
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