Residents of Shap awoke this morning to the shocking news that it was, once again, both cold and windy, in a development that has stunned absolutely no one.

"I stepped outside and my face went," said local man Derek Pickthall, 61, who has lived in Shap his entire life and has never once been warm. "Then a wheelie bin overtook me on the high street. It were doing a fair lick."

The Met Office has issued a yellow warning, a red warning, and a small handwritten note that simply reads "sorry." Meteorologists confirmed the wind is expected to continue until further notice, or roughly the heat death of the universe, whichever comes first.

» Read full forecast (it's wind)

Shap Parish Council has moved to reassure residents that the village green remains in its usual location, following a tense weekend in which several people thought they saw it move. "It were just the grass blowing flat," a council spokesman clarified. "The green has not gone anywhere. Unlike the gazebo, which is believed to be somewhere over Penrith."

In a heartwarming tale of bravery, Mittens, a tabby belonging to the Hartleys of Moss End, ventured outside for a full eleven seconds on Tuesday before reconsidering her entire life and returning indoors. Neighbours described the scene as "the most that's happened here since the Spar got a new fridge."