SHAP · · Updated when the editor's hands thaw
HOTTEST JUNE EVER — DEREK REMOVES JUMPER
EXCLUSIVE · By Stormy Weathers, Shap Meteorologist
England is sweltering through its hottest June on record, and in an event
meteorologists are calling "genuinely unprecedented," the heat has reached Shap.
Temperatures have soared to levels locals describe as "frankly suspicious."
In the most dramatic development, lifelong resident Derek Pickthall, 61 —
a man who has famously never once been warm — has removed his wool
jumper for the first time in living memory. Neighbours gathered in near silence
to witness the moment. "I felt a breeze on me arms," said a visibly shaken Derek.
"I didn't care for it."
The jumper, knitted in 1987 and not removed since, has been placed under light guard
at the Spar (next to the famous fridge) pending its safe return. Forecasters stress
the heat is temporary: "Don't get used to it. The wind's back Thursday, and Derek's
already eyeing the jumper."
ICE CREAM VAN SPOTTED; LOCALS UNSURE WHAT TO DO
By our Civic Affairs Desk
An ice cream van was sighted on the high street during the heatwave — the first
confirmed sighting in Shap since 2011. Its arrival, heralded by a tinny rendition of
Greensleeves, was met with what witnesses called "mass uncertainty."
Some residents formed an orderly queue. Others drew their curtains and waited for it to
pass. Derek Pickthall, 61, approached but bought nothing: "I wasn't sure of the etiquette,
and I'd only just got me jumper back on." The van left after eleven minutes, having sold
two 99s and a rocket lolly — the latter is believed to be over Penrith.
» Full story & more local news
WIND BLOWS, AGAIN
By Stormy Weathers, Shap Meteorologist
Residents of Shap awoke this morning to the shocking news that it was, once
again, both cold and windy, in a development that has stunned
absolutely no one.
"I stepped outside and my face went," said local man Derek Pickthall, 61,
who has lived in Shap his entire life and has never once been warm. "Then a
wheelie bin overtook me on the high street. It were doing a fair lick."
The Met Office has issued a yellow warning, a red warning, and a small
handwritten note that simply reads "sorry." Meteorologists confirmed
the wind is expected to continue until further notice, or roughly the heat
death of the universe, whichever comes first.
» Read full forecast (it's wind)
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